Differing Desires
by jackravenrobyn
Summary: Even after he had been rid of Hydra, they were still fucking with his life.
1. Chapter 1

It was almost as though the last eighty odd years hadn't happened. He and Bucky had almost identical dynamics to those they had before the war. The only difference was that now they were under no threat of prosecution, they fucked like rabbits.

They didn't attempt to hide it. They didn't even attempt to be quiet. And they certainly didn't attempt to keep it to their room. The elevator. The Jacuzzi. Any and all walls. Nowhere was safe. They even took to the occasional retaliatory fuck on bonnets of Tony's fancy cars when he annoyed them. They made sure to pick a different one each time, aiming to go through each of them.

-XOX-

When asked afterwards, the last thing Bucky could remember was getting punched in the face. From what he could feel afterwards, he could tell his injuries had been far worse than that. It was a fairly routine mission. As usual, Bucky was crouched with his sniper rifle behind an open window not far from the target. As things got intense inside, two brutish men were dispatched to take care of the sniper and archer who were picking off their men. Clint had gone out cold with a single blow from behind. Bucky was not so easy to take down. The two juggernauts laid into him, kicking and hitting until he lay unmoving on the floor.

After everyone had been apprehended, and while the avengers were still high on adrenaline, Steve teased into his comm.

"Celebratory fuck, Buck?" The others groaned at his frankness, but other than that he received no reply. Steve grew uneasy.

"Buck?!"

His stomach dropped in fear, and it was worse than anything he had felt that century. He shared a worried glance with Natasha before the two made haste towards the abandoned building across the street. Pausing to listen for noises, Steve rounded the corner and let out a broken gasp.

The jest ride back was tense and silent save for Clint slurring something about cognitive recalibration as he slowly came around. Bruce was alerted to prepare the med bay in the tower and meet them there. It was the longest twenty minutes of Steve's life.

Steve hated the waiting. He hated the not knowing. And he especially hated not being allowed into the med bay while Bruce, Tony and a vast array of robots worked on his friend. They were probably keeping him sedated in there. Bucky hated being sedated; it reminded him of his time doped up as the Winter Soldier. They haven't made it this far only for Steve to lose Bucky again.

-XOX-

The room was too white, too sterile. It made the body in the bed seem weak and fragile. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Bucky was always the strong one. Always invincible.

Nobody would tell Steve what was going on. Tony had looked grave and forbidden Jarvis from saying anything. He claimed he and Bruce needed to make conclusions first - whatever that meant. Bucky's eyes darted beneath his closed eyelids. Steve hoped this was a sign that Bucky was waking up. They even had him on a damn ventilator for some reason.

If Steve ever got hold of the guys that did this... Bucky shifted, and Steve was out of his seat and pressed against the bed in a second.

"Buck?" He asked gently.

Bucky frowned, blinking to focus his hazy eyes. He hummed in amusement to himself.

"What got your knickers in a twist today?" He teased, falling asleep again before Steve could answer.

-XOX-

Tony and Bruce had spent half of the time bickering about what they had found, and the other half bickering when - and how - to tell the two super soldiers. They had finally managed to agree that a couple of day's recovery should be allowed before they broke the news. Tony hadn't wanted to tell them at all, but Bruce had argued vehemently that they deserved to know - they needed to know. It was - after all - life changing. Though whether or not it would be for the better remained to be seen.

Steve was tearing himself up wondering what it was they weren't telling them. Bucky, quite frankly, could not care less as long as he was alive and could still partake in frequent sex with Steve.

-XOX-

"-there was internal bleeding, so one of the medbots performed surgery to find out where it was coming from and try to stop it. We found what we originally thought was a tumour but was in actual fact-"

"I'm sorry but you lost the baby." Tony butted in. Steve and Bucky both ignored his plea for attention, their focus still on Bruce. Bruce glared at Tony with exasperation.

"You were supposed to let me explain first!"

Bucky felt his stomach drop - Bruce wouldn't joke like this.

"Carry on. I don't...I don't understand," Steve murmured, "and don't interrupt this time." His eyes flickered to Tony in warning.

"As I was saying. We found what we thought was a tumour, and this seemed to be the source of the bleeding. We ran a quick scan to see if it was possible to remove it. This is where it gets weird. Jarvis came back and said that there would be no need to remove it as the bleeding would eventually stop by itself. All we had to do was...mop up until it did. We suspect that the Russians implanted this...organ with the ultimate intention of using Bucky to breed a new generation of soldier. Obviously Bucky isn't made to carry children so they most likely would have transferred embryos to a test tube. You would have miscarried soon anyway as you are not physically built to carry to term. It was only ever intended as an insemination organ, a chamber to combine DNA."

"Bucky was...with child?" Steve spluttered dumfoundedly. Bucky was frozen, staring unblinking at the dent in the sheets at the foot of the bed made by his own feet. Tony nodded sombrely, feeling slightly guilty still for his interruption earlier.

"How could they do this? How could anyone do this?!"

"Cap-" Tony warned nodding to Bucky, who was still staring, but his chest was heaving as he began to hyperventilate. He felt violated. Even after he had been rid of them, they were still fucking with his life. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, pulling his docile form against him. A broken moan escaped from Bucky as he began to shake in Steve's arms.

-XOX-

Tony and Bruce left the medbay, giving the other two some privacy to react to the news. Steve held Bucky until his shaking stopped, the horror recessed and he fell into an exhausted sleep. While Bucky slept, Steve was called away on a non-urgent mission. He figured they could both use the space to get their heads in order.

When Bucky woke alone, he awkwardly pulled on the clothes next to his bed and went looking around the tower for his partner. Barton telling him - while playing a video game - that Steve would be gone for at least a month left Bucky feeling worse.

Abandoned.

Freakish.

Despite it not being a covert mission, Steve didn't call him; neither did he return the calls Bucky made for shield to pass on to him.

Bucky assumed the others had been appraised of the situation based off of Nat's sympathetic glances every time he dashed to the phone and Jane's forceful suggestions he play monopoly with her and Darcy _yet again_. Clint even tried to distract him once by goading him into a fight. He didn't do it again. Bucky definitely let out all of his pent up frustration on the well-meaning man.

-XOX-

Bucky had just been for a swim in the scorching midday sun. The floor had begun to burn his feet as he dashed across it to the small building housing the elevator. He was dry by the time he reached it. He went down a floor and slipped into their ensuite, stepping under the water to quickly blast the smell of chlorine off of him. He was just massaging a small globule of shower gel into his hair when a cold draft hit him.

Warm arms wrapped around his waist and a naked body plastered itself to his back. A nose nuzzled wetly into his neck, and a heavy voice murmured; "I think I like coming home to this." Bucky rolled his eyes, still irritated that Steve had t even attempted to contact him.

"At least let me rinse off before you fuck me."

Bucky took his time, pretending not to be affected when Steve started to impatiently work him open. They both knew that - despite pretences - Bucky was into it just as much as Steve was at that point. There was the sound of a tearing package, and Bucky paid it no attention assuming it was just a sachet of lube.

He assumed this right until Steve pushed in. It felt different. Steve moved. Bucky let out a cry as he realised what was going on. Steve was wearing a condom. Bucky could technically get pregnant now and that couldn't be something Steve wanted. But what about what Bucky wanted? He wanted things the way they were. He wanted them to be able to fuck wherever, whenever, for Steve to not act like he would break.

He didn't give a damn about potentially having kids. If it happened, it happened. Though to be fair the chances of it were pretty low, considering he and Steve had been having copious amounts of sex for almost a year and a half before this happened.

Against his will his eyes began to water, but thankfully it went unnoticed under the steady stream of water. He came with a sob, desperately missing the hot rush as Steve climaxed too.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve was out cold the moment he flopped onto their bed. He didn't seem to care that he was soaking wet. Bucky left, needing air and time to stop the swirling in his head. He ended up back on the roof, slumped against one of the outside walls that housed the elevator - one that was in the shade. He took a deep, shuddering breath, rubbing at his eyes with the balls of his hands. He hit the back of his head on the wall behind him, blinking rapidly. He tried to will it all away, will away all the feelings he wasn't used to having. All the feelings he didn't want to be having.

A soft swish of water and a couple of seconds later had Natasha bundled in a towel and gently coaxing him into her arms. He didn't care that he was being soaked through by the pool water that still clung to Natasha's skin and dripped from her hair. She had seen him rush past her while she swam and had gone to discover why. She murmured soothing words in Russian.

"Talk to me, Yasha, tell me what's wrong." she ran her fingers through Bucky's long hair, soothing him until he could gather his scattered thoughts.

"He's treating me like a dame, Natashenka. I'm not a dame; don't want him to treat me like one! Just because I have -" he choked slightly, unable to force the words out, "-doesn't mean I'm a dame!"

Natasha was quiet for a moment; trying to select words which wouldn't anger the emotionally fragile man slumped against her. "You know...if you wanted...you could have it removed?" Bucky started to shake his head, pulling away from Natasha to look her in the eye.

"No, Nat, no." He looked away, picking at his nails in nervousness. "I...I wouldn't mind...if I did...I mean if it happened-"

"You would keep it." Natasha finished for him. Bucky nodded shyly, looking away quickly at her frank gaze. "And Steve doesn't want that?" this time Bucky shook his head vehemently.

"He came at me with a rubber on Nat!" She pulled a face and Bucky instantly knew she thought the same as him; Bucky and Steve wanted different things. Bucky began to tear up again.

He could see this ripping them apart. All because he was a freak, an unnatural science experiment. He let himself be pulled back against Natasha, who held him and gently tangled her fingers through his hair as she began to sob harshly. He had kept his feelings bottled up for nearly a month now, and was only just starting to properly come to terms with everything.

-XOX-

It was a soft ping heard through the wall that first alerted them to the presence of another on the roof. By that point, Bucky didn't care. His tears had run their course, leaving his face red and puffy. It had left him feeling raw and short tempered. He was, however, still allowing Natasha to hold him. Footsteps drew closer.

Steve stopped as he rounded the corner, relief making itself known on his face. Bucky straightens, rubbing his bloodshot eyes and demanded in a wavering voice, "What do you want, Steve?" Bucky scrambles to his feet preparing for a confrontation. Natasha follows suit, adjusting the towel that was draped around her body as she did so. The relief drained from Steve's face at the sight of the clearly distressed man, only for it to be replaced by concern.

"Buck...are you okay?" Bucky snorted, smiling wryly.

"I'm perfect Steve, no thanks to you."

He pushed past Steve, re-entering the building and calling the elevator. He would go into Tony's lab and let him play with his arm. Steve wouldn't dare follow him in there. Too much technology for him to deal with.

Natasha shook her head at Steve, whose questioning gaze spoke volumes. "You shouldn't have left it so long to talk to him about it." She left Steve confused, jumping back into the pool.

Talk about what? Steve didn't think there was anything _to_ talk about. He had just gotten home - he hadn't been around long enough for it to be 'too long', surely?

As if he even knew what Natasha was telling him to talk to Bucky about!

-XOX-

Bucky spent the entire dinner that night flirting cornily with Natasha in her native tongue. Steve just snorted at his attempts and ignored them as a threat. In the hallway afterwards, he pulled Bucky to one side.

"What was that all about Buck?"

"What? I can't let a beautiful dame know I like her?" Thankfully Steve had the sense not to bring up that their previous relationship probably ensured that.

"There's letting her know you like her, and then there is embarrassingly funny to watch. That was the latter."

Bucky flushed red, anger flaring through him. He had just been trying to show Steve that he didn't have to play nicely...and Steve had just laughed at him. It seemed that something more drastic would be needed to make him see; make him want Bucky with the same intensity he had almost a century ago. Hopefully that need would overcome Steve's need to treat him like something breakable.

He scowled, "At least Tasha listens." Steve looked as though he was about to retort, but Bucky didn't give him the chance, pushing Steve away and stalking off.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky dressed sharp, primped himself up nicely. He made sure Steve saw before he left, feeling his gaze burning into his ass as he sashayed past. Bucky was going out to have a good time, and hopefully irritate Steve when he got back barely able to stand and probably close to vomiting all over the place. He desperately needed a break from both Steve and his own head.

The music was loud enough to get lost in. The club was dark enough to disguise the poor judgements made by the alcohol fuelled people within. Bucky was intoxicated by the mere atmosphere of the place, but that didn't stop him from ordering a drink or two. Bucky had to admit that he liked modern dance places - almost as much as he had enjoyed the dance halls when he was younger. Not that they were in any way comparable; they were two totally different things entirely.

There was a pretty young woman giving him blatantly lusty stares. She was tall - almost as tall as him - and was all legs. He gave her his winning grin and went over.

They ended up at her place, wrapped around each other on the sofa. It was only when they were down to their underwear and she was beginning to slip out of those too that Bucky had to stop. He mumbled his apologies to the angered woman and hurried from the building.

It wasn't until he was outside in the cold air that he realised just how close he had come. He couldn't. He couldn't do that to Steve, no matter how uncertain things were between them. He loved the old fool too much.

He felt like shit.

Why had he even gone out in the first place? He went with the intention of annoying Steve, not this. This wasn't what he wanted their relationship to devolve into. But he realised that if anything his behaviour had been encouraging it to get this far. Steve's hands weren't exactly clean in this matter either.

He was such a fool.

An awful feeling settled in his gut, and it was all he could do not to vomit into the pavement. He would - he would go home, go straight to Steve and explain - no, confess all to him. And hope to god that Steve believed him.

-XOX-

The tower was quiet when he got off of the lift at the floor with all of their bedrooms on. He crept down the hallway towards the room he shared with Steve, his heart thundering loudly against the silence.

Steve was asleep when Bucky slipped into the room. He silently shed his clothes and wriggled under the covers. He doubted he would be able to sleep with the guilt of the night still hanging over him. He would tell Steve the moment the other man was awake.

As soon as he was settled, Steve curled next to him, pushing his face into the crook of Bucky's neck. Bucky felt his heartbeat falter. Steve tensed against his lover at the signals his nose was sending his brain.

"Buck...?" He murmured hesitantly; his voice thick with sleep but nonetheless alert. Bucky could feel himself shaking. He told himself it wasn't with fear.

"It's not what you think. I didn't...I couldn't...not when I still love you."

Steve exhaled heavily into the laden silence. "Go shower. I can't talk with you stinking of someone else."

"Okay." Bucky murmured in a small voice, pushing himself out of bed.

"And Buck? Be quick."

-XOX-

He had the temperature set to scorching, scrubbed himself until he was red and didn't take longer than five minutes to limit the simmering anger of his lover. He left his clothes in a neat pile on the side, knowing Steve would want to burn them at a later date. He pulled the largest towel from the rail and wrapped it tightly about his Shoulders. It covered him down to his knees - a stark contrast to the tiny towel he usually wrapped around his hips to entice Steve. He took a steadying breath and stepped into the bedroom, completely covered and yet entirely exposed.

-XOX-

"Tell me what's going on Buck. You've been...off ever since I got back."

"I..." Bucky wrung his hands in nervousness, staying close to the bathroom door to make escape easier. Steve looked pointedly at the bed next to him, and Bucky cautiously went to sit in the space indicated to him.

"I'm fucked Stevie. In the head, and now this." He indicated vaguely at his stomach. "We want different things and I'm trying...and struggling to come to terms with that. Just need a bit more time to accept it is all."

Steve had the confused frown on his face again. "What do you mean we want different things?"

Bucky's flesh hand began to tremble as the adrenaline shot through him. "I wouldn't...you have to understand Stevie, it's not that I _want_ to, it's just that...it ain't likely to happen, y'know?" Steve nodded slowly here, responding even though the question was rhetorical. "So...when you got back an' used a johnny, I realised you didn't necessarily want it...if it did happen at all, which - let's face it – aint all that likely." Steve stared at Bucky's towel clad knees while he spoke.

He took almost an entire minute to fully process what he had heard. "Is this why you've been so distant?"

Bucky hurried to answer, "I'm trying to accept it Stevie, I swear! I'm sorry; I'll try harder from now on, promise."

Steve's head shot up to look Bucky in the eye. "No, Buck! _I'm_ sorry. I thought...I thought you didn't want that. I saw the way you reacted when you found out...it seemed like your world was over the way you held me. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that without talking to you first."

Silence settled over the two men as they stared at their own knees. Bucky knocked his shoulder into Steve's, a wry smile spreading over his face. "We're a right pair, aren't we?"

Steve grinned back at him with boyish cheek, "That towel offends me."

Bucky caught on almost immediately. "I'd better take it off then, hadn't I?"


End file.
